Yesterday I made what I think has been the hardest decision of my life so far.
Compared with the choices facing many each day, it was nothing – not life and death, no pressure from anyone, no-one but myself affected – but for me it was gut-wrenching.
The night before, while still wrestling with it, I wrote out how I was feeling, in an attempt to stop the thoughts going fruitlessly round and round in my head, and to get them out where I could look at them and see the decision for what it was.
This is what I wrote:
I’m having to make one of the hardest decisions of my life tonight.
Each option will involve relinquishing something that I love and that has been a huge part of who I am for the past while.
Either way will end an era that I’m not ready to end.
Either option will involve stepping out into the unknown.
The question is, do I really trust the voice I think I’m hearing? Am I hearing right, and if so, do I believe that what it says is faithful and true?
I’ve followed it before, many times, but the way it has led has always been pretty much the only option – certainly by the time decision-time came around. This time it’s different. This time either way could be good, either way could be the start of an incredible, fun, challenging, rewarding adventure. I could thrive on either path.
One is slightly safer, a slightly more known-entity; it includes some things I love, but means turning my back on a dream.
Do I have the courage to take the harder, less clear, more challenging road? Can I bear to burn the other bridge?
Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.
You probably don’t need me to tell you which I chose.
Since burning the bridge I have been grieving a little for the things I know I will lose as a result. I want to cling onto them, but I know the world doesn’t work that way. All too soon I’ll have to say ‘goodbye’, and that’s hard.
But there was no other choice I could have made.
I know the voice of God when I hear it, and I know that I know that the safest place – the only safe place – to be is in the centre of His will. To ask for guidance then to ignore it would be folly of the first order.
I didn’t really choose, I just obeyed.
Someone asked me, “Do you feel any sense of peace about it at all?”
Do I feel it? No.
Do I cling onto it trusting that the God I know is faithful even in the darkness when the feelings of the moment are overwhelming? Yes.
Feelings are unreliable witnesses, they bear false testimony and distort the facts. They have great power, but they are not the truth, and when facts and feelings conflict, only a fool follows his feelings.
I wanted to share this because I hope it might encourage someone else who’s facing a dilemma and doesn’t know if they have the courage to take the harder road. You’re not alone. It’s tough, isn’t it? But you know what – people have made it through before us. This too shall pass.
And I hope it will be even more of an encouragement when I come back in a few months’ time and add a post-script saying ‘See what God has done!’
How did I make the hardest decision of my life? By knowing who I am, who God is, and what He has called me to, and by choosing to put my trust in Him. I don’t know where it will lead, but I know I’ve chosen the right path – watch this space!